FAQS

Here are some questions I regularly field at work. I receive these questions from nurses,  receptionists, cleaning people, patients (and families) and doctors.

Q: How's your garden? Do you still have vegetables?

A: It's great! I currently have kale, parsley, arugala and broccoli rabe. I'm expecting broccoli. These crops like the mildly cold weather and I also had them in the spring. In fact, the arugala and broccoli rabe died off in the heat of the summer and started growing again all on it's own! The parsley never left. The kale is a bumper crop, and I planted the broccoli in September.



Q: Did you see the donuts in the break room? How many did you eat?

A: Yes, I saw them, smelled them and I didn't eat any!! If I ate every piece of crap in that break room I'd be as big as a house. Also, if I ate one donut I'd have to eat all 65 donuts and then you bitches would hate me for eating all of the donuts.


Q: Oh my god! You're so healthy. You're like that whole market, organic, super food......

A: Ahhhhh! Stop turning me into a brand because I don't eat garbage. I'm not a market! I'm a woman! You're like a McDingal's, Burger Queen, biscuit....


Q: You're a vegetarian! Where do you get your protein?

A: Where do you get your vegetables?????


Q: Can I get my mother/father/spouse a McDonald's cheeseburger before open heart surgery tomorrow?

A: No! This is a cardiovascular ICU! If you do that, don't tell us about it! Are you trying to occlude the last little piece of artery feeding your loved one's heart?? Here's the compromise. I'll spoon feed your loved one some orange sherbet when we get the breathing tube out.


Q: Do you have any children?

A: Thank you for inquiring on my child bearing status. God no! I hate kids! I love sleeping, not being poor for the first time in my life and having a great, low stress relationship with my husband. I know I'm old and kids are the best thing that can ever happen to a person but I don't care. I'm open to having my mind changed later and if this happens I promise the only thing I'll talk about are my wonderful, perfect children.

Q: How old are you? Isn't your time running out?

A: I'm 30. In the north, where I'm from, that's too young to have a baby.


If you are in the mood for some more Q and A action, check out this interview with Maurice Sendak, the guy who wrote Where the Wild Things Are. It's interesting.