Long Distance Loving

Hey! How's that long distance marriage going? 

It's not a question you can pose to most people. But it nonetheless happens. To me anyway.

I've been married for seven years. I've been officially long distance marriaging for seven months. Seven months doesn't qualify me to write a book on the art of a long distance marriage, but I do feel qualified to write a blog post on the matter. These are my tips and lessons learned. 

First off we established a time we would re-evaluate the situation. For us that was when my research was finished. Some how having this re-evaluation time made the whole thing a bit more palatable and not terribly permanent. 

Another pre-requisite for even considering the long distance marriage is feeling secure in your relationship. If you are a jealous person or finding yourself questioning your spouses' faithfulness a long distance marriage isn't for you. You also need to be fond of alone time and have your own interests. 

I travel to Houston at least once a month. I try to stay a week, but sometimes it's less. He negotiated one week work from home per month as part of his contract. So Joseph usually is home 8-10 days a month. At first this felt adequate but lately it has been feeling inadequate. However, my research will be done soon and I intend to spend more time (probably 2 weeks a month) in Houston.

Logistics are important. For example how far away will your spouse be living? In our situation there are direct flights between Houston and Nashville and the flight is less than two hours. You also want to consider how long the commute to the airport is. Nashville is a very easy airport to fly in/out of and Houston Hobby is not to bad either. If we had to do Nashville to San Fran and deal with long flights and connections, it would be much more of a hassle for us.

It's important to make your space inviting to your long distance spouse when they visit. Treat them like a guest for the first day as they acclimate. After all, it is your space that they are suddenly descending upon. For example It's important to clean before your long distance spouse comes home. No one wants to come "home" to someone elses's mess and a messy house is not terribly inviting. Bonus points if you stock the kitchen with their favorite foods. 

That said, the thought of living together 365 days a year doesn't really appeal to either of us at this point. We both value our alone time and have a variety of side projects we keep busy on. 

Another aspect that makes it all doable is that we both have a decent support network. I have Mike, Nina, Jeff, and Karen. Justin has his brother Brandon and several friends from work. His network isn't as strong as mine but he spends a lot more hours at work which seems to balance it. 

Dividing the pack was also very important. I rely more on my animals for companionship and I know Billy (also a dog) is huge as a companion for Justin. That said we text a lot of animal pictures to each other so you still feel connected to the part of the pack that is living long distance. 

When we are in the same city we are more intentional about our time together which has actually been a boost to our relationship. We always have a date night where we go to a new place for a nice dinner. This has been really great. When Justin comes home to TN we do a family game night with Nina and Jeff, something we hadn't done before regularly. Also, Justin and I just pay more attention to each other instead of just kind of habituating as people in long term relationships naturally do. 

The two major cons are when someone gets sick and money.

For example, Justin hurt his back, broke it actually, and it's been tough not being there. I was able to do a lot from a distance with coordinating doctors and medications but wish he was here now. He will be home this Thursday so that's good. Even if you just have a nasty cold you'll miss your partner. Who will bring you soup or bows and treat you like a baby? 

Two households of course equals two rents/mortgages and almost twice the grocery bills. Even though I shop for one person as does he, the bills still add up for more than we would spend when we shopped and lived together. Having my upstairs tenants helps, but it's still more expensive to keep two households. If it's possible to rent a room in your house to a visiting professor or something it could help to adjunct costs. Another dual household expense is animal care. My tenants and neighbor help me when I'm away for long days, but we had to hire a dog walker in Houston until Joseph decided to take Billy to work most days.

We do fight a bit more frequently. Usually on the second or third day of the spouse's visit there is a fight. It's usually short but nothing stings like telling someone you're leaving and never coming back. Full disclosure, I'm usually guilty of that one. Damn these Sicilian genes. I'm not sure if these fights are detrimental or make us stronger. I'll let you know. 

Keeping open lines of communication is of course key. Even though Joseph is far away I am very tuned into what is going on. For one I manage the money so I know where he is spending it , and two we talk at minimum two times a day. If we are both on the computer we chat through google chat. Even if we have nothing to say we'll sit on the phone for a few minutes. And when you are feeling lonely and like the long distance marriage thing is kind of sucky, call your spouse. It's not a sign of failure or weakness and no one understands the challenges of a long distance marriage like they do. 

P.S. 

I've been very into this (Soko) artist lately. I first found out about her on this youtube channel I've been visiting lately. If you are not afraid of sadness it's quite beautiful. And you can get past the sadness, I have faith in you.